Changes changes changes

Wow, when things change, they CHANGE!

I have started a new job - yay!! Yes, it is actually very nice. It has also pushed me way out of my comfort zone, and lemme tell you, when you are used to knowing something like the back of your hand it is a shock to go back into newbie mode. The people explaining things FLY through them, and it is all I can do to keep up and hold on. It is tough to say "What is that?" and "just a sec," because it is scary to think "I don't know *anything* and I am worthless!"

Yeah, the old ego thing, and I need to swallow that and suck it up and be patient and learn and know this phase does not last forever, but I gotta tell ya, you know that movie about the guy who went through life being an imposter and a fraud, pretending to be a pilot and a Doctor and who knows what else? When I am like this, learning a new job, I feel like an imposter. I know, I know, the difference is that I am honest and I am not trying to fool anyone, my employers know that I need to learn things, but how many things? If you are not fresh out of college it is understood that you should know something, right?

I suppose this will help me learn humility and empathy for other people learning things. Yeah, but I don't like the feeling, which I suppose gives me the energy to learn and try to become competent once again. And the truth is that in the computer biz there was no 'standing still' for very long anyway. Just about when I'd get comfortable with something I'd have to move on, which I guess also suits me, because I do get bored with things once I know them.

So, yeah, this post is a whine whine whine! Poor me, boo hoo. (grin)

The traffic around Minneapolis I am not happy with, and I hear it is not nearly as bad here as it is in other locations. Anyway you cut it the traffic is a pain, but what can one do?

On the personal front, my soon to be ex, who served me with divorce papers on 12/23 last year, has now backed into her normal, passive, wait and see mode. Geeze. We are supposed to be working out the details, but she is waiting for someone to tell her what to do. Sigh. So I can see that progress on this will be up to me.

Now that I have become the 'perfect' spouse for her, she is backing off, and almost being nice at times. By 'perfect' I mean rarely around but sending the money. I am out of the house for almost a week this time, staying in an in-expensive hotel closer to my work. So, you may ask, why don't I see about reconciling with my soon to be ex?

Two reasons. The biggest one is this - I have found someone who I love and who seems to like me the way I am, warts and all, and when you've faced constant dissatisfaction for years and years this feels wonderful - very wonderful.

The second reason is because this past year I saw, completely, that my soon to be ex could not STAND me in person, and let's face it, at some point I want to stop being an absentee spouse and actually spend time with my wife. I WANT a close, loving relationship with my spouse, and that is not possible with my soon to be ex.

So I am doing the leg work, gathering all our financial info, and will create two or three proposals. I know my wife will be critical of them, and will NOT be able to choose one. She simply cannot make a decision. This is one big reason why she never has time to do what she wants - she takes hours while shopping waffling and second guessing.

But what can I do? I will make the proposals, and I will keep the pressure on, and I will keep this ball rolling forward, because my life has been in limbo for SO long and I am tired of it, especially now that I SEE where I want to be.

I want to be with my new love. Am I in a honeymoon period? Maybe, to some degree, but we are taking things slow, and there is no sense skipping the honeymoon period. Instead, we both are enjoying it, and doing the hard work of disentangling ourselves from our spouses.

And what about the morality of this? Our religion says it is okay. We both have tried, really tried, to re-connect with our spouses after the child-rearing phase completed. What else can we do? We both want to get out and discover the world, and both our spouses want to retreat and cocoon.

I have actually wondered if our spouses would be right for each other. They have a great deal in common. They both are sickly, they both LOVE endless shows full of graphic rape and violence and sending the perps to jail, and they both view the world with tired, crabby eyes. They both seem to be done with physical affection.

Is this enough to build a relationship on? Who knows? It would not be the kind of relationship I want, that is for sure.